Grief After Separation: Sometimes You Have to Go Through the Flood
The Maitai River here in Nelson is in flood today. And it makes me think about our grieving process, and the natural way of the world.
To be healthy, rivers need to flood. Everything needs to be flushed out. And while the flood is yucky and scary today (and can cause damage), once the flood has passed, the river is much healthier than it was before.
It links to that common saying: things must get worse before they can get better.
You can’t shortcut grief
It’s the yin and yang of life. If you have had a relationship that was once beautiful and life-giving, you have to go through grief when that relationship fundamentally changes. You can’t shortcut yourself away from it. You can’t bottle it all up. You can’t be OK by sheer willpower alone. Just like you can’t dam up against a flood and expect the river to be healthy long-term.
You have to feel the hard feelings in order to heal. There is no way but through.
When you’re in the flood
There isn’t much of a pretty bow to wrap up my thoughts with today. A few close friends are going through some very difficult things. Floods suck when they tear through your community.
While you are in the flood, you cannot see anything but the damage. You can’t feel anything but fear. And for those of us on the sidelines, the worst thing we can do is point out from our safe and dry positions that, “Well, at least the river will be healthier soon!” The person dealing with the flood doesn’t care about that. They need active, practical help to keep safe and rebuild.
Some things are built in floodwater
I’m a stronger person for the hard things I’ve been through. I hate that. I wish I could have got the strength some other way. Yet while I wouldn’t recommend the construction method, some of the best parts of who I am were built in floodwater. And I used to think healing meant the flood damage disappears. It doesn’t. You just learn to live in a rebuilt house and stop flinching every time it rains.
Sometimes you just stand next to them
The Maitai will have dropped by the time you read this. The silt will settle and the river will be clear and peaceful again. But the people I love will likely still be having a terrible week. So I’m not going to end this with advice. I’m going to text my friend and ask if they want to go for a walk. Sometimes the most useful thing you can do for someone in a flood is just stand next to them and get wet.
Sarah x
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