You Can’t Control Them, But You Can Control Your Response
One of my go-to phrases is that you can’t control how the other person behaves — but you can absolutely control your response. That’s where a tool like BIFF can change everything.
Whether you’re dealing with an ex, a relative, a co-worker, or your neighbour, the BIFF method helps you communicate clearly and calmly — without pouring petrol on the fire.
If you’ve been wondering how to deal with high conflict people, this is one of the simplest and most effective tools we recommend.
What Is BIFF? A Simple Way to Stay Calm and Clear
BIFF is a simple communication tool created by lawyer and therapist Bill Eddy. It’s designed for interactions with people who tend to escalate, blame, or provoke. Anyone jump to mind?
It stands for:
- Brief – Keep it short and avoid rehashing the argument. Even if they sent you pages, the shorter you can be, the less the other person has to react to.
- Informative – Stick to facts. No opinions, no feelings, no jabs. Stay focused on providing relevant information. Do not defend yourself.
- Friendly – Use a neutral, respectful tone (even if they don’t). Use a friendly greeting and closing.
- Firm – End the conversation. Don’t invite more conflict. If you need an answer, make it a yes/no by this time or date.
You don’t have to be perfect. But the goal is to stay calm, clear, and in control.
How to Use BIFF in Real Life
Let’s say you get the following message:
“I honestly don’t know why you keep doing this. Every time you get an idea in your head, you decide the rules don’t apply to you and everyone else just has to accommodate it. This isn’t about the children! It’s about you wanting to be seen as the ‘fun parent’ while completely ignoring the agreements we put in place. You have zero respect for my time, my role, or the fact that this is MY parenting time. I’m sick of being treated like I don’t matter. You do this again and again and I’m over it. This is why I divorced you. I don’t know why I didn’t do it sooner. You are the most selfish person I have ever met.”
Your reply might look like:
“Thank you for responding. I’m asking about a one-off change so the children can attend their cousin’s birthday on Saturday from 11am–2pm. I would return them to you immediately afterwards. If this doesn’t work for you, please confirm by Friday at 5pm and the existing schedule will remain. Thanks heaps for considering this.”
We want your tone to be respectful but boundaried. Don’t defend yourself, or attack back. Instead, keep your power by not taking the bait.
When to Use the BIFF Method
Use BIFF in:
- Emails with an argumentative co-worker
- Texts from a prickly ex
- Any situation where you need to stay calm and be taken seriously
This is especially helpful when you’re figuring out how to deal with high conflict people without getting pulled into repeated arguments.
Why This Works (Even If They Don’t Change)
The best part about BIFF? You don’t need the other person to change for it to work. You don’t need to convince them, out-argue them, or fix them.
You just need to stay clear, kind and consistent.
That’s where your power is.
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