While some relationships end with a bang, others slowly cool off over time. The tricky part is that determining your separation date isn’t always straightforward and it has very real legal consequences. Your lawyer doesn’t care why you and your ex broke up. What matters most is when you broke up.
Once your lawyer understands when your relationship began and ended, they can advise you on what’s in and out of the relationship property pot. Typically, everything earned inside the relationship is considered relationship property. Everything outside the relationship (before you got together and after you separated) is usually separate property.
But if your relationship ended slowly, you’re not alone. When there’s no agreed separation date (no single “Talk” day), your lawyer will ask detailed questions to help with determining your separation date.
Questions Lawyers Ask to Determine Separation
No single question decides the matter. Instead, your lawyer will piece together a picture using questions like:
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Were you still living together? Even if couples don’t always share a home these days, moving out of the family home is often a clear sign of separation.
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Have your finances been split? If joint accounts are suddenly closed or spending habits change, this can point to separation. If money is still managed together, it may suggest otherwise.
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Are you still intimate? Lawyers may ask about the level of sexual contact. (Tip: please don’t surprise your lawyer with screenshots — no offence!)
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What do you call each other? Still referring to them as your partner or spouse? That might matter.
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Who have you told? If you’re still showing up to family events together, or haven’t told your kids, you may not be considered separated yet.
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Are you planning a future together? Couples who have stopped making joint plans are usually considered separated.
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How are household chores handled? People who are separated generally don’t do each other’s laundry or cook for each other anymore.
Why Separation Date Matters
Under NZ law, the separation date determines what assets and debts go into the “relationship property pot.” That’s why determining your separation date accurately is so important — it decides what is shared and what remains separate.
Most of the time, the separation date will be obvious. But in some cases, your lawyer’s objective view can help resolve uncertainty and avoid conflict later.
What About De Facto Relationships?
The same rules apply. To figure out when your de facto relationship began or ended, lawyers use the same kinds of questions.
In the past, married couples weren’t considered separated if they still lived under the same roof — but that rule is much more flexible now. If you’re unsure, talk to a relationship property lawyer.
Key Takeaway
Every relationship is unique, but the law still needs a clear separation date. Getting advice early can save you stress, money, and conflict down the track.
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